Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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