please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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