Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
