fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I am puke
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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