the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
