3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
we're making bets on your personal life
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
