Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
worst night to have a conscience
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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