No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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