So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The uberlube is also flammable
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
