not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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