Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
