the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
