Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
