I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
