i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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