She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
