We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
