i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
