Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
