He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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