He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
