It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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