Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
