I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
