I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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