in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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