I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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