Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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