Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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