Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
