Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
