I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
