Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
