gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
