i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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