Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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