i jhust puked up my retainher.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
