Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
