I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
