Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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