the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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