At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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