my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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