guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just found puke in my bra..
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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