I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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