Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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