I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
