Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just sucked dick on a ferry
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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