I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
