Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
