So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
