dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize