trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize