everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
