I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
