So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
