Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I need to calm my uterus...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
