How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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