I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
