I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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