I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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