I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize