Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
